


It's Only a Paper Moon

by SinnerBurrito



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Body Swap, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Hallucinations, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Near Death Experiences, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23458087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinnerBurrito/pseuds/SinnerBurrito
Summary: A chipA courierA shallow graveAnd a bullet with his name on itBut he wasn't a courier and the bullet wasn't for him
Relationships: Arcade Gannon/Courier, Benny (Fallout) & Arcade Gannon, Male Courier/Arcade Gannon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. Midnight in Goodsprings

\- I’m so sorry!

  
_Why? Why are you sorry, Jeremy?_

  
Arcade tried to say, but no word came out.

  
-Oh gods ..no...no, stay here, right here.

  
_I’m not going anywhere._

  
-There it it’s, all set, you’re going to be fine,you’ll be fine. Just..hang on.

  
Will be? He was feeling fine. Arcade felt nothing, beside the sting in his left arm, all he saw was the white blinding light and a blurred silhouette, a red string connecting both. But who was that person? Their name was on his mind seconds ago.

  
\- Forgive me.

  
Darkness fell on both of them, there was still sound, voices perhaps but it was like hearing underwater, and without giving any warning, the blurry figure vanished with the light.

  
Arcade opened his eyes, pitch black. He placed his hands in front of his face. Nothing. Not even a silhouette. Sand or dirty crushed under his weight, look around was pointless, just theinfinite started back at him, with no other option, he picked a direction and started walking, he was bound to find a way.

  
-You got what you were after, so pay up.

  
He stopped dead in his track, it was impossible to point where the voice came, at least now he could see a bit better, maybe his eyes was adjusting to the dark,at least he was able to see himself and a bit of the ground around. Just an old beat up dirt road.

  
-Time to cash out.

  
Slowly the moon came dancing from the horizon, revealing the landscape, but still no source of the voices it echoed in the air.

  
-Would you get over with it?

  
Arcade had a bad feeling, the string in his arm feeling like fire burning his veins, but it wasn’t pain. It was fear. A sense of urgency. 

  
_Don’t shoot_.

_Don’t shoot._

_Don’t shoot._

  
-Maybe Khan’s kill people without looking 'em in the face, but I ain’t a fink, dig?

  
Okay, now it sounded like trouble, he reached for his plasma pistol, it wasn’t there. Great,just great. But there was another thing missing, but what? Or rather who? 

  
The red string shone brighter,Arcade just noticed his left sleeved rolled up, the string starting just below his elbow and disappearing in the night. His chest tightened, his breath shortened, what was in the end of the string?

  
\- You made your last delivery, kid. FromFrom where you’re kneeling it must seem like an 18 karat run of bad luck.

  
At the end if the string a small figure kneeled on a shallow hole, their back turned to him. The moon shone bright behind the Gunner. And then everything came back, Arcade almsot felt like he would burst. Jeremy told this story so many times now he was dreaming about it.

  
_Don’t shoot_

  
_Don’t shoot_

  
_Don’t shoot_

  
-Truth is...

  
Arcade approached,the shooter didn’t had a face, but now he knew why Jeremy said someone in pajamas shot him, it really looked like.Jeremy was shivering, fighting against his binds to no avail, and in a blink of eye, Arcade saw himself at the shallow grave, facing the tip of the gun.

  
_No wait! Just take the damn ch-_

  
-...the game was rigged from the start.


	2. Our Lady of Guadalupe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was sure that was nothing but a dream, what else could be? Why would the mirror show another reflection if it wasn't a dream?

The leftovers from that dream still lingering in his mind, but now Arcade felt pain, the only thing it was real. His whole body felt like a whole building collapsed on top of him, the vision was still blurry.

  
-Woah, easy there, doc.

  
He couldn’t see clearly but knew something was off. Whoever it is, their skin white as a sheet even for wasteland standards, dark circles under his eyes, his cheekbones higher than normal, chapped and busted lips still smiling at him.

  
\- You really scaried me this time.

  
Arcade tried to speak but his throat burned, how long was he out?

  
-Good thing I think fast uh?

  
The person raised his right arm, a tub connecting both of them. 

  
-Just don’t get used to have me as a blood bag.

  
Just how much blood did he loose? Million questions runned in his mind,but his mouth just couldn’t voice it, before he feel asleep Arcade felt a cold hand in his face and faded into the void.

  
\- Sorry for whatever you saw.

Comfortable. At least,the most comfortable he felt in weeks. Arcade sighed and at first refused to open his eyes, the bed was just too inviting to leave, so he just laid back relying on other senses to take his surroundings.

  
Faint smell of cigarettes overwhelmed by the smell of cheap cologne and sex, the sheets felt sticky as his skin, it was hot, too hot. A heavy weight on his chest and a snoring it wasn’t his.   
Arcade’s eye shot open someone was indeed sleeping on him, it wasn’t the sheets it felt sticky, but skin, naked body pressed again his, head resting in his chest like it had all the right on the world to be there. How long he was out? What the hell Jeremy shoved in that syringe?

  
Arcade tried to push that person out, true to tell for him to do like Odysseus and get lost, but he was powerless. His body didn’t obey, all he could do was lay back and watch his hand tangling in the stranger’s dark hair and pet absently.  
\- What’s the matter, pussycat? Can’t sleep?

  
Never in his life Arcade wanted to tell someone to fuck off so much like this moment, but his body refused to deliver the message which just fueled his hatred.

  
\- Don’t call me that.

  
At least that brought some relief,the playful slap his hand did in the strangers head didn’t help. At all.

  
\- Sure, honey baby.

  
\- Why are you awake? I thought i tired you out.

  
The stranger finnaly lifted his head out of his chest, a pout in his lips. The men rolled lazily off his chest. Arcade sat up, still against his will, once this drug wore off, he would kill Jeremy.

  
-You’re no fun, doll. 

  
\- That's not what you said an hour ago.

  
Just now Arcade noticed his reflection in the full length mirror across the bed, it wasn’this reflection starting back. His hair was longer than usual, but there was no mistaking.

  
-Jenny, stay a while will ya?

  
Jenny?

  
Oh.

  
 _Oh_.

  
Say he was shooked it would be a balant lie, he had too many questions he knew he couldn’t even ask now.The Man wrapped one arm around his waist and pulled him back in the bed, Arcade watched in horror his hands reaching to the man’s chest tracing patterns in his skin.

  
\- Just a while? I could stay longer.

  
-What about a week?

  
\- Longer.

  
\- Look, I don't know what's cooking in this head but drop it.

  
He sighed, started the process to get dressed again, Benny sat up behind him, wrapping his arms around and pulling him back against a solid chest. Thick lips peppering his neck in kisses. in a swift movement, Benny was pinned under him, a small knife very close to his neck.

  
-I'm not just a good fuck, Benny.

  
The knife now laid flat in the man's skin, slowly making its way down, but Benny's eyes was in him, not the knife.

  
\- We could do so much together.

  
Benny caught his hand before the knife could become a real threat, flipped him over pinning him completely. He tried to move his hands to no avail.

  
\- Are you sure, baby? Them show me what you can do.

  
His legs was free, there wasn't much room to move but he used all his strength to knee Benny in the ribs, it didn't work the way he imagined, but at least Benny let him go, laughing.

  
\- Wow, that was really something, pussycat.

  
\- Should have stabbed you when I had the chance.

  
\- But ya didn't.

  
He was furious, and mildly betrayed. He felt his heart beat faster, his ears buzzing, just the way when he was about to do something stupid. 

  
Stupid.

  
Stupid.

  
Benny was lighting up a cigarette, taking a drag like he had all the time in the world. How easily would be to slice his throat, a small cut, would be enough to the viper venom coating his knife to paralyze Benny for as long as he needed to.  
So deep in his fantasy, he didn't noticed Benny walking at his direction, throwing something at him. A small bag of caps.

  
\- Dontcha have anywhere else to go?

  
Without a word, e gathered his payment and almost in a automatic way got dressed and made his way out of the casino.

  
The blinding lights of Vegas outshining his despair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you still confused,which I know you are, Arcade got badly injured and some courier did his best to patch him up, but no act of kindness comes free.
> 
> Also I headcanon the courier (at least mine) was the one who delivery that tacky gun to the train wreck that is Benny Gecko.


	3. Long Gone Lonesome Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How I wish one day  
> You could see yourself through my eyes  
> For an eternity may pass  
> And I will not be able to put in words  
> How perfect you are even in your imperfections  
> You may not know  
> But I vowed to be by yourself as long as you have me  
> My only regret is not telling you  
> How deeply  
> I  
> ...

Nothing like a handful of cold water in the face to star the day,he wiped that por excuse of a mirror reveling a blurry reflection starting back him. the Arcade wasn’t so surprised when the reflection still wasn’t his, what was he expecting?

  
Arcade noticed just now how small Jeremy was compared to, well, basically everyone and everything, reality or not, that was pretty accurate. At least this time Arcade woke up alone in some cheap room, the air was way to humid for the desert weather, he decided to not think of the implications. 

  
He, no wait, Jeremy spend a good ammount of time just starting back at his reflection, but something was off his eyes felt... empity, even with the water the skin still felt sticky with dried tears. Maybe it was just the somber atmosphere of the room, but that scene didn’t felt right.

  
-I can’t go back and i have nowhere to go.

  
His grip in the sink tightened, breathing hard, he started back and for a moment he felt Jeremy was looking at him, like he knew he wasn’t alone in that room. He let go of the sink and went straight to the bed and reached for a beated up bag taking a small unlabeled vial and a syringe. Arcade thought it was odd, Jeremy always had a disdain for taking chems himself, but why worry? It was just a dream after all.

  
Jeremy just watched the liquid shining in the low light of the room like contemplating something and without warning, stabbed the needle in his thigh, filling his body with a numbing sensation. His eyes felt heavy, his breath shallow and vision going dark, he did tried to keep his balance but fell face first in the floor, the vial rolling right at his face and to his horror, Arcade noticed a crude image of skull drawing in the vial.

He was sure Jeremy tried to patch him up, and probably used a high dose or med-X or some unknown plant he shoved in a empity syringe and now he was hallucinating. It was the only logical explanation.

  
-Jerrmy, if I die I will kill you.

  
The placed looked familiar, felt familiar but Arcade couldn’t put his finger on it. It didn’t felt natural, roads and pathways started somewhere, going nowhere reaching elsewhere. Each time he took a turn or just looked in the opposite direction the ways changed. Walls blocked the path, the road it leads down now leaded up until it blender with the sky. Or was it the ground?

  
The more he walked in that bizarre maze, stronger grew his concerns,what if he couldn’tfind the way back? What if he was forever trapped into that drugged nightmare? 

  
-You share his blood, but you are not him.

  
Loud and clear, serious yet misterious, that’s how the thin woman in front of him sounded. The eyes wide open the lips turned in grimace. Her leathery skin covered in patterns he swore he saw it before. A pungent smell followed her while she approached. The smell of death.

  
\- Two silver coins cannot kill the body nor pay the boat to other side, the spirit lives but not unbroken. What crawled out is not what came in. The armor you wear is nothing but a ghost. Old dreams cannot live in the new world, you move forward but run back, will you fight or perish like a dog?

  
Was there a answer at all? Was he supposed to answer? Arcade just stood and stared, at least in that place he was himself but it didn’t feel like. A couple of words from a woman out if her mind was everything it took to leave him speechless?  
Wasn’t him traveling before he found himself in that place? Something went wrong and they’re attacked, he was injured for sure. Low on supplies. But, it wasn’t in that place, where the hell he was?

  
"The Loneliest road in America."

  
That sign made little to ease his fears or lift his doubts but it was better than nothing, he wasn’t alone. Far away a radio was playing a sad melody, for some reason, it made him long for something he hadn’t lost. The sound was coming from a direction, the same direction a lone man was going.

  
-Hey! Wait!

  
But the stranger’s didn’t answer and keep walking away. Fast.

  
-You there! What’s this place?

  
Arcade picked up his pace trying to catch up, that could be his last chance to have some answers.

  
\- Please! I’m totally lost.

  
The men stopped and turned back. He looked around and right past Arcade like he was invisible. At least it gave Arcade enough time to reach him and when he did, it brought it when more questions.

  
The men was wearing a way too heavy duster for the Mojave weather,his dark hair hidden under a hat with a symbol he never saw before. A beard covered most if his face, but those eyes he could recognize anywhere.

  
-Jeremy?

  
His eyes went wide, searching around for the source of the sound, Arcade was right in front of him but it was like he was made of glass, that made that desperation he was bottling up come back stronger than never. His hopes of find na exit fading away.

  
-Nothing, I though I heard something.

  
Jeremy answered to no one and moved on, leaving a still speechless Arcade behind. What if he died? Was that his personal purgatory? The wind picked up at the same rate his sanity dropped.

  
Arcade.

  
-Mother?

  
It’s not real. She’s not real.

  
Translucents shadows crawled out of the ground reaching for him, the invisible crowd gathered around him, a claustrophobic felling dominated him the more they approached, pulled and pushed,none of that felt right. Nothing in that place made sense. And the more he fought back that oppressive feeling, stronger it got. His past came haunting once more with wrong decisions and things he could not control, the future came mocking his failure, a constant remind he was but a footnote in someone else history.

  
Arcade dropped on his knees, if those creatures wanted to tear him appart,so be it. Anything to make it stop. A hand firmly grasped his shirt collar, knuckles going white from the effort. Arcade closed his eyes and braced himself for whatever it was to come and waited.

  
And waited.

  
 _And waited_.

  
And nothing happened. He opened his eyes again just to find himself alone,the shadows were gone along with the roads. The grey static sky remained and he found himself standing in a shallow dark water. It was too thick to be water, blood perhaps? But it didn’t smell or look like.

  
Still confused, but grateful for regain control of consciousness. What made him lose it in the first time? Jeremy. Jeremy and that damn handmade Stimpak filled with gods knows what.

  
Despite his exhaustion he took another random direction and headed towards just to feel a hand grabbing his labcoat from behind trying to stop him. He picked another direction and the same happened, and whenever he turned to find the culprit, no one was there. After a few minutes it became unbearable.

  
-Can you stop it, already!?

  
He didn’t expected na answer but was frustrated when none come,he turned around and took a step, his eyes fixed in the edge of the vision waiting for any sign of movement. Nothing. Arcade turned around again and found another twisted version of Jeremy staring back at him.  
He was covered head to toe in some strange tattoos, a familiar design it disappeared in the inky water they were standing. Jeremy looked pissed, face hard, eyebrows knitted together, lips a thin line. Arcade just saw him make that face once,and things ended pretty brutal for the poor souls in the receiving end.

  
-Wait, where’s this place?

  
No answer, Jeremy just marched toward until he was inches apart from him. Jeremy was breathing hard,each muscle in his body tense, he gave Arcade no time to questions just grabbed fistfuls of his shirt and pushed him down the water with all his strength and watched while Arcade fell down below. And just like that, all he could see was a tent ceiling, a few holes revealing the night sky.

  
He was awake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew!  
> Almost done with this nonsense, just one more chapter to wrap things up ;)
> 
> Also, I never expected any feedback, thank you for the people who commented and gave kudos


	4. It's Only a Paper Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Say, it's only a paper moon  
> Sailing over a cardboard sea  
> But it wouldn't be make-believe  
> If you believed in me

Arcade shot awake. Eyes blow wide, breath ragged. Dejavú. If this was another dream he would be pissed. The pain in his right shoulder told otherwise,this was definitely real. His shoulder and a good ammount of his torso was bandaged, it didn’t hurt so whatever drug Jeremy shoved in him was still working it’s magic. Oh yeah, Jeremy, he had to kill him for it.

  
He moved slowly, the pain was bearable but it was better not push his luck, it took a while but he sat in the corner,now the hardest part: stand up. The first try a lighting like pain went through his body,the second try he almost slipped and fell, the third time there was a hand in his good arm pushing him back to bed.

  
-Good morning, sleeping beauty.

  
At first he protested, shoving the person away with his good arm and proceeding the painful task to stand up.

  
-No,no,no I didn’t drag you all the way here to you ruin my work. 

  
That was enough, even with his vision blurred and body refusing to do what it’s told, Arcade went straight to the person’s collar.

  
-Ya trying to kill me? You can’t ,you know you love me.

  
Defeated Arcade gave up, Jeremy sat up beside him,placing the glasses in his face, at least he could see better now. Jerrmy looked like he just crawled out from another grave, tanned skin pale, shrunken eyes, dark circles,the whole package. His left arm was out of the badages he usually wore revealing a tattoo, and some parallel scars, it disappeared into his rolled sleeve. But it wasn’t the patterns on Jeremy’s skin it caught his attention, but a ugly dark purple bruise in the junction of his elbow

.   
-Oh this? It’s nothing, my medical skills doesn’t compare to yours.

  
-What happened?

  
His throat burned when he talked, his lips cracked with the slightest movement, the joys of dehydration.

  
-You lost a lot of blood,like...a lot. I thought you...I need to buy some time to get help so I used na IV from a RadAway to make a transfusion. Cool isn’t it?

  
He wanted to protest and ramble about all the possible consequences it could have and how dangerous it was for both of them. But he was alive thanks to that. Thanks to Jeremy.

  
-Hey, don’t worry doc. I’m a, how it says, a universal donor? O Type or some shit.

  
And the conversation died, Arcade tried to put his thoughs in order and Jeremy was visibly nervous, leg bouncing, hands fidgetting, that look he had when he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. At least now his body obeyed and he was able to at least talk for his own.

  
-How long I was out?

  
-Two days.

  
 _Perfect_.

  
-Where are we?

  
-Old Fort Mormon. Home sweet home uh?

  
-How many bags of blood did you gave me?

  
-Bags? I don’t know, But I kept it up as long as I could, Julie said she found me passed out in the ground. Hey, I knew you would dry me out one day.

  
Mortified or amused? Arcade couldn’t decide how he felt, but his plan to kill Jeremy was slowly fading away. But those twisted hallucinations still lingered in his mind. It felt so real, but it was a dream. Only a dream. Nothing of that really happened.

  
-Cade, can I ask you something?

-You just did.

  
-I see you’re feeling fine already.

  
Jeremy passed him a open bottle of purified water which he dried in seconds.

  
\- Did you saw something?

  
-What do you mean?

  
-I mean, did you dreamed with anything wierd?

  
Arcade swallowed hard, flashes behind his eyelids. Jeremy didn’t even looked him in eyes, leg bouncing more erractly, free hand scratching his tattooed arm.

  
-Why do you ask?

  
-You...were talking in your sleep. 

  
\- Nothing I can remember.

  
A relieved sigh came from Jeremy a bit louder than he intended.

  
-Good! 

  
-Did you gave me anything besides blood?

  
-Uh, I had a Stimpak, but that was it.

  
-Are you sure?

  
-Yeah,but the docs her inject some stuff in you,I think it was only medX.

  
That was it, just a high dose of medX combined with his blood loss and the Mojave heat did wierd things with his mind. Now everything made sense.

  
-You really should rest, I will get something for you to eat okay? Don’t try to stand up, if you fall I doubt I can help. You sucked the life out of me.

  
Jeremy winked at him and left the tent, Arcade knew he should rest but his heart was beating too fast and he didn’t knew exactly why, hell, how Jeremy pulled that off so well?

  
_I can’t go back and i have nowhere to go._

  
How many times he danced with death and left like it was nothing, making jokes and flirting like it was just another Monday? 

  
_Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot. Don’t shoot._

  
He laid back in the bed, allowed himself a well deserved moment of peace, with no shadows lurking in the edge of his eyes and no creepy woman’s making questions he couldn’t answer. 

  
_Will you fight or perish like a dog?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a Goodman of a unsatisfactory situation

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language and while I can speak just fine, write is a hell of a different story :v 
> 
> In my native language I would let you in tears. For a good reason or a bad reason? Who knows?


End file.
